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October 12, 2012
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  • Mood: Embarrassed
  • Listening to: Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World
  • Reading: My Journal
  • Watching: Nothing
  • Playing: Nothing
  • Eating: I hate food.
  • Drinking: Water.
So, because of the wonderful adventures I've had this week, (Sarcasm. Fuck this week.) I have been checked into therapy. Forced. And they diagnosed me with a couple other things BESIDES THE MANY MENTAL DISORDERS I HAVE ALREADY. So, the ones I was diagnosed with today were- Anxiety. That one wasn't too much of a shocker. I constantly show signs of anxiety in public, I just never realized I did.

Bi-Polar disorder. I guess I should have seen that one coming. I do have mood swings. My hyper-ness gets me in trouble, yet I'm very depressed. It actually makes sense.

Something called BDD, or Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I knew it. I knew I had something like this. It's one thing to hate yourself, like so many people do, but I knew I hated myself so much more than most people. BDD is very, very rare. Only 1% of people in the entire world have it. One of the reasons I'm so depressed.  BDD is when someone hates themselves to the point where they'd rather kill themselves then let anyone in the world see their faces or body.

I was also diagnosed with something I already knew I had- Social Anxiety. Yeah, I don't have to into detail with that one.

There are a couple others, but those I'd like to keep private. So. Yeah. FUCK. MY. MIND. AND. THE. FACT. THAT. I . HAVE. MORE. MENTAL. DISORDERS. THAN. ANYONE. IN . LOWELL.
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:iconcrimsonblood112:
crimsonblood112 Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :) But same here. People could tell me I'm beautiful until they're blue in the face. I will never see it. And I hate people because of the thing I said, and because of the fact that all they're going to do is hurt me. Oh, and I've never had a boyfriend or anything like that. So don't feel bad that you never did. :) I lied and said I did to tons of people, only because I felt alone and I wanted to pretend I had the things that others did. For a while, I did pretend. This is going to sound weird, but in the past years, when I had no friends, I would talk to my stuffed animals because they were the only ones to talk to. And if I needed a hug, I'd just hug them. I'm not used to hugs from people, but stuffed animals? Haha I hug them all the time.
And it won't be the same. I won't find true love, because I'll never look for it. I've lived so long without love, I don't need it. Love would feel strange and uncomfortable. I don't want to love anyone, and I don't want anyone to love me. And yeah, same about the bullying. I was bullied in school, out of school, and online. When I was in preschool, someone came up to me and said I was very ugly, and then people pushed me off of a jungle gym. The bullying just got worse from there. I just hold grudges for too long, and I hold very intense grudges against people who have much more than me. I don't hate you, Natalie, or Alexyia, or any of my friends... But I hold grudges against all of you for many things that I don't and never will have. I know, it makes no sense. But, it's the way I am. I'm an odd person.. Haha I used to cry a lot in school because I wanted people to notice me, but then when they asked what was wrong I wouldn't tell them. I guess I just wanted to know that if I was crying someone would care. But, yeah. I hate everything that's happened this week......... I really do. It's making everything so much worse for me. I tried telling them that, but they didn't care. And I haven't told them anything that's happened to me, except that people pick on me occasionally. Which isn't true, because they bully me everyday. There really isn;t anyone I completely trust with everything about me. But it is the life I'm used to. So, I'll continue to bear through it. Unless, of course, the world ends.

And you should except the compliment, Kaylee. :) There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You don't have acne, you're skinny, you're hair is pretty, your arms are fine lol. I hate showing off my arms at school. Haha that's how ugly I am. I can;t show my arms. But you're so pretty, Kaylee. You have a girlfriend, tons of people tell you you're pretty, you really should believe it. There's nothing that would make you not pretty.
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:iconsebastianswag:
SebastianSwag Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Student General Artist
You are beautiful though caitlin I wish you say you through my eyes.And Ii just saw this reply now -_- so sorry for late answer pahahha. And don't feel weird I used to and still do talk to the voices in my head, my walls, and teddy bears we are on the same page with that.I don't find it weird.
Even if you don't look at some point it will find you, it'll come to you when you are unsuspecting or when you absolutely need it most, you might think that is now but i'm not to sure. But you don't need it enough yet for it to find its way to you. When I first got to my preschool/kindergarden people pushed me off the tall slide, they made fun of my smile, kicked me and threatened me constantly. I still get bullied now kids in my building and some online see me or message me and call me fat, ugly, worthless, tell me I should; cut myself, kill myself, drink bleach, that no one loves me, no one cares about me, no one would care if I was dead. The bullying gets worse everyday I hold grudges as you can tell over little things like that one against katrina and stupid stuff like that. What do you mean by stuff you'll never have, i'm just not too sure what you mean by that.. A lot of people care about you, wehn you cry and I'm helping you priscilla feels really bad and wants to help in any way, cassie always wants to fight to help you and make you happy, katrina is the same she wants to comfort you in any way, along with natalie, eryka, johanna, cindy, alexiya hates how she can barely help, tyriek always wonders about you and then there is me..and anyone else that cares that I don't know of. They all ask where you are, how are you doing, if you are okay, when you are coming to school, if any body hurt you, if you hurt yourself. people care, slot more than you might think they do. I wish you could tell me EVERYTHING and I just want to help you caitlin, I want to break down and cry when I cant stupid I know. But I want to help you, I want to get you a normal home, with people who care about you love you and want to help you and get meals and stuff, I wish I could just do that .. oops i'm crying oh well It's just my emotions cailtin I care so much for you Idon't even know how to express it in words I would do anything to help you through anything. just know that I guess..

Its impossible I truly don't believe when others say that. acne I have it but yeah it isn't bad and whatever I do have is blocked as best as possible, You're skinny as well. You weigh so much less than me gah . My hair isnt that pretty really its shaved woop I don't think its that cool, but Ii really like yours cause its my old style and I want it like that again and can't get it and with the blueish color ;o; and black it looks so pretty *_* just my opinion i guess.. my arms bug the shit out of me thats why i try to keep my sweaters on as much as possible unless its way to hot and i cant take it anymore. There's nothing wrong with your arms , but if you hate them its another insecurity and I have it too so at least we are the same on that? i guess.Having a girlfriend doesn't just boost your confidence, i mean they usually make it a little better but it doesn't get better or cured so easily. I can't go by what othes say cause 99% are the same people who bully me at other times have bullied me or usually bring me down and are attempting to be nice. 1% of them mean it but yeah... It's just not what I see..
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:iconinfinitexxx:
infinitexxx Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
i can't say that i know how you feel, because i don't and that would be lying.
but i'm very sorry and i do hope things get better.
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:iconcrimsonblood112:
crimsonblood112 Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much! :)
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:iconsebastianswag:
SebastianSwag Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Student General Artist
I wasn't tryi3g to show you up or anythign either :C I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone :c..
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:iconsebastianswag:
SebastianSwag Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Student General Artist
[link] i decided to read up on BDD and I have it too if I look at the symptoms or what it is I have it, the link talks about it. and I'm confused :o didnt you want a therapist to help you, someone you could talk to and adult. :o
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:iconcrimsonblood112:
crimsonblood112 Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I know you weren't Kaylee, but not to be rude (I promise I'm not trying to be rude)- You don't have it. You take pictures of yourself. One of the major things about BDD is people with that disorder don't use anything that will allow them to see themselves. Oh, and you know how you think you're ugly? (You aren't!) But you see your face. I literally see a deformed monster. I'm not lying. I see something deformed, hideous, like the Crypt Keeper. At first, I didn't believe this was real, because everytime I see my face I see a monster, so how could those images be fake? I still believe it isn't. What I see in the mirror, in pictures, has to be the real deal because of the fact that I've been seeing a monster since I was six. And it's also why I'm so jealous of you and Alexyia. I'm always, always, ALWAYS comparing myself to others. No one in this world is ugly, is deformed, except for me. And BDD can't be self-diagnosed. Since it's so rare, only professionals can tell if people have it. I don't have mirrors, Kaylee. I have no pictures of myself on my phone. I deleted pictures of myself from practically every site I go on. Oh, and my social Anxiety has a lot to do with BDD. I literally cry at the thought of going out in public,because I don't want anyone to see my face. In my life, two people have asked me out. A boy named Erik, and a boy named Steve.. I didn't go on any of them because I don't want them to look at me. It's why I refuse to look people in the eye. It's a big reason why I'm terrified of people. It's a big reason why a part of me hates every person on this Earth. But you, you're very pretty. And you're confident enough to have a girlfriend, you look people in the eye (at school at least) And you wear shorts, dresses, things like that. Because of BDD, (Because of how hideous I am) I will never be able to have/do those things. I will never have a bf/gf, I will never wear anything that doesn't cover my entire body. Tank-tops included.It's impossible for me to look people in the eye. And you're outgoing. I'm so hideous, I can't look at people! That's what BDD is, and that's who I am. You're pretty Kaylee, and you definitely don't have BDD. :) I just want you to know that you are pretty, so BDD isn't very likely to happen to you. Oh, and I did, but now they're doing things I don't like....
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:iconsebastianswag:
SebastianSwag Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Student General Artist
Hello~ Well you're really beautiful and every mirror and your eyes and ANYTHING you can see your reflection in is Lying completely even if you don't accept or believe this it's true and don't let anyone or anything tell you different you have pontential you are extremely smart and talented and you will go far in life just stay strong and believe <3 c:Caitlin I know you weren't being rude, haha and I try to see my face differently. Alexiya calls me beautiful, gorgeous ect I can never fully see it. I guess at times I feel the lowest level of pretty, which id the highest I ever see and it still really upsets me... I never feel as if others tell me... I cry at the sight of a mirror some times I can stand seeing my face most of the time I try to perfect myself as much as possible but I still feel its never good enough and I get sad again.. I've been insecure since second grade which is when I was seven I think? I don't know maybe.. I know how you feel about that I compare my body to others, my face, eyes (stupid I know), hair, legs, arms, mind, everything.. I will never get a therapist cause they wouldn't be a good choice for me I couldn't handle it at all so I'll never be too sure since the last time I went to the doctors and they told me about most of my disorders I don't feel like finding out all he other possible ones I may have. That's a big reason I never leave my house I terrified of getting judged, laughed at, made fun of, picked on whatever. I'm scared of people. That's why I say I hate people cause i'm scared that they'll get close to me and then abandon me like my mom did or learn my secrets or personal fears or anything like that or yeah.. and turn them on me and make my life hell so I keep away from people as much as possible...that's why it took so long for me to say "i love you" or kiss alexiya I was scared to fall for her harder and then get dropped. I've been asked out by two people as well. Jacob and that kid Kyle. Neither of which I actually liked, but I was trying to fit in and I didn't want to get bullied in school as I did online and outside. Confident is deffinately something I'm not .. I try to be for alexiya but the thing is I never truly am I judge myself ..thats a contridiction I know but yeah...and when she compliments me my splits are stupid one says Say thanks c: the other one Hahahahaha you know that's not true right? they fight. But yes Alexiya is like the best thing that has ever happened to me she saved me completely and one day it will be the same for you I promise that true love finds everyone.. and if I do have BDD its a low level of it or im on the brink of it but yeah...and Thanks i'll try to accept the compliment but I dont know its hard to believe.
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